Wednesday, October 22, 2008
My favorite picture of all time
This was one of those random photos I forced Jaydee to take. It's one of my favorite pictures of all time! I'm sorry, but I'm cute in it so - it rocks!
Monday, October 13, 2008
full of it
What am I doing? Who am I? Why am I here on this planet, doing nothing?
Should I be asking these questions when I'm only 24 or does age matter? It's horrible to be young, useless, and filled with desire to help others - but everyone just says "aw, that's cute" and pats you on the head because of your naivete.
All of my time seems to be wasted doing nothing important. I'm just clicking the same buttons, going the same places and seeing the same faces. In addition, I'm realizing how full of shit I am.
I'm cold, distant, disturbed. I can't return any one's feelings because I don't feel genuine when I do talk to people. For some reason, people always open up to me, but now I feel so empty when I try to comfort them. Is this a self-confidence thing? Or am I just driving myself crazy for no reason - to please other people and feel needed? That's fucked up.
What if I'm ok? What if I'm exactly how I need to be and I'm just trying too hard to fit into a persona which isn't me. It's not being myself that's driving me crazy.
Why should I care about "community"? What would it benefit me? Nothing - it doesn't matter and it never has. Perhaps this false me began to grow when I took up the banner for a cause which I could care less about. In addition, I do not have the skills or the experience, let alone the time or incentive to care about building a community; especially when the people who would comprise it are victims of their own attitudes and do not want to stop being victims. They enjoy it too much.
So, that begs the question: I've spent so much time and energy on this, what do I do now? It must be smarter to stop digging your own grave instead of pushing on because of pride and despite every sign telling you to stop.
At some point in life, priorities shift because things change. My priorities have shifted. I'm not every one's mother and I can't be - I shouldn't allow myself to fall into that trap that I set for myself. There are so many things that I can do, but I need to change myself in order to do them. That's where its gonna get hard - but I need to. I hate being so full of shit and useless all the time.
"You have to be crazy to be a Goddess. You have to be brave to be a Goddess." That's what I read in a dream once. It wasn't some divine assignment or homework, but instructions on what I need to do. Be crazy and brave.
I never knew that I could be too spiritual. But I've sacrificed time with my body and I've not lost a single pound. That's what I need. Not some group of people who bite and are never satisfied and never help.
I know I can do it, it's just a matter of me getting my shit together and stop poking my nose into other people's lives unless they ask for help.
Should I be asking these questions when I'm only 24 or does age matter? It's horrible to be young, useless, and filled with desire to help others - but everyone just says "aw, that's cute" and pats you on the head because of your naivete.
All of my time seems to be wasted doing nothing important. I'm just clicking the same buttons, going the same places and seeing the same faces. In addition, I'm realizing how full of shit I am.
I'm cold, distant, disturbed. I can't return any one's feelings because I don't feel genuine when I do talk to people. For some reason, people always open up to me, but now I feel so empty when I try to comfort them. Is this a self-confidence thing? Or am I just driving myself crazy for no reason - to please other people and feel needed? That's fucked up.
What if I'm ok? What if I'm exactly how I need to be and I'm just trying too hard to fit into a persona which isn't me. It's not being myself that's driving me crazy.
Why should I care about "community"? What would it benefit me? Nothing - it doesn't matter and it never has. Perhaps this false me began to grow when I took up the banner for a cause which I could care less about. In addition, I do not have the skills or the experience, let alone the time or incentive to care about building a community; especially when the people who would comprise it are victims of their own attitudes and do not want to stop being victims. They enjoy it too much.
So, that begs the question: I've spent so much time and energy on this, what do I do now? It must be smarter to stop digging your own grave instead of pushing on because of pride and despite every sign telling you to stop.
At some point in life, priorities shift because things change. My priorities have shifted. I'm not every one's mother and I can't be - I shouldn't allow myself to fall into that trap that I set for myself. There are so many things that I can do, but I need to change myself in order to do them. That's where its gonna get hard - but I need to. I hate being so full of shit and useless all the time.
"You have to be crazy to be a Goddess. You have to be brave to be a Goddess." That's what I read in a dream once. It wasn't some divine assignment or homework, but instructions on what I need to do. Be crazy and brave.
I never knew that I could be too spiritual. But I've sacrificed time with my body and I've not lost a single pound. That's what I need. Not some group of people who bite and are never satisfied and never help.
I know I can do it, it's just a matter of me getting my shit together and stop poking my nose into other people's lives unless they ask for help.
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