Happy Holidays (big move)

So, I looked at the scale this morning and nothing much has been achieved. But, overall, I'm down 12 pounds.


I'm moving in two weeks and I keep looking at all my stuff and thinking, "How the **** did I get this much junk?" What makes the situation worse is that I never use half of it!

Am I materialistic? You bet. I'm a pack-rat, like my dad. That fact makes me cringe. But there's a sunny side to this situation. Since I have to move into a smaller space, I'm being forced to get rid of a lot of my "baggage". I don't need all the junk I have and it's freeing to clear out everything.

After the move, I'm getting back to work on my book. In some ways, it was hard to have to stop before I got to finish the first rough draft, but over the past three months I've had time to reflect on the story and I think I can make it even better now. One of the main characters was sort of one-sided and a little more "helpless victim" than I intended her to be. I wasn't sure how to fix that at the time, but I have a better idea of who she is now.

The other main character was also a little mixed up, although I had a clearer image of him in my head. Over all, I got more writing done than I thought I could, so I'm proud of that alone. I'm really looking forward to finishing the book though. I'm not sure if this book will ever be published or shared outside my small circle of friends, but I want to finish this for myself. I want to know I can do something and finish it.

Last night I went to the Trail of lights with Chrissy and her family. It was a lot of fun getting to spend some time with the munchkins . I've barely seen them since they were born and it kinda hurts that they don't know me. But, that's how it's been and I just want to change that now. Boozie wasn't able to come cause of being sick and that was kind of a downer.

I've always been sick of not knowing my family and being in the dark about everything that's been going on. It's always made me really uncomfortable "feeling" like things were being hidden from me, kept behind my back. I've always known there were more to things than I was being told and it always pissed me off. One of my pet peeves has always been being treated like a child. I know they probably had good reasons to keep me in the dark and were trying to protect me, but its always uncomfortable and maddening to be the only person in the room who doesn't know what the **** is going on.

I'm not sure if knowing is better or not, it's still to new. But I feel "equipped" and able to make better decisions. Maybe it will be easier now and I'll no longer feel like I'm going into unknown territory unprepared when I meet with my family.

Keys

FYI - I found my keys - in my nail polish bag.

I was so out of it last night, that I slipped my keys into the nail polish bags I keep on the handle of my bathroom door. WTF??

Odd and more odd.

Look at it this way...

Life is Bi-Polar. It keeps trying to take new med's, but there's no stopping those good days and those bad days. Today is probably one of those bad days.

Last night, I saw a preview of "Slum Dog Millionaire". It was a really good movie, although I probably wouldn't buy it. But it's one of those movies that you can see once and carry with you forever. Despite being a really good movie, I was sick half-way through it with sinus problems.

There's nothing like a porcelain bus ride right after a good movie to put me in good spirits.

So, I'm feverish and sick to my stomach, and I've had a pounding headache for hours. What's going on outside? It's snowing!

It had been 77 degrees during the day, but it dropped to the 20's and 30's last night and started sleeting. I get to drive home in it. Yay....

This morning, I wake up late and find out I've lost my keys. They are hiding somewhere in my apartment and refused to come out. Maybe the snow scared them. Personally, I'm blaming the cat. Then again, I did stumble in last night and just throw stuff down so I could rush to the bathroom again....so that might be why.

I was late to work and now I have Mom dragging herself half way across town to bring me my spare car keys. Thank god my apartment manager had a spare key to my place and Big Sir stayed over last night and brought me to work.

I wanna go home and just curl up in a ball and sleep. Burrrr.

I think I've lost 5 pounds

I've been counting calories and exercising the past few days. But I got up this morning and checked the scale and BAM! I'm five pounds lighter.

I've also been feeling so completely disgusting and fat the last week or so. At this point, I feel inhuman. Normally, I can see a few parts of my body which I like, but lately its all been too much. I can barely stand looking in a mirror right now.

I know I'm fat. It's freaking obvious and I've known it for years. But now, things are different. I KNOW it and think about it more than I ever have in my life.

This may all sound like whining, but it's a realization. It's like walking around all day and then realizing you've lost an earring and looking back over the entire day and wondering how many people thought you were an idiot because you only had one earring on. It's like that.

I've been offered professional help and I appreciate the sentiment. I plan to use it when I can, but this situation has triggered a chain reaction. As much as I appreciate the help I have been offered, it made me feel like a pity case. My pride just couldn't take it anymore and my whole semi-ok self-image fell to pieces around my feet. Now, I feel like a walking tub of lard. This is not ok.

The worst part of this situation is: I've done this to myself. Sure, there are probably circumstances beyond my control - but I'm a freaking adult and need to take responsiblity for what I've f**ked up. I am forced to wonder how much I've missed out, how many chances and opportunities I've missed by being fat and reclusive. Probably a lot.

But, in the end, this is not about me being fat. This is about my happiness. I'm not happy right now, not even close. Heck, I'm not even healthy. I want to be able to shop in "normal" stores. I want to be able to hike and bike and run. I want to be able to dance. Maybe I can't be a ballerina like I dreamed of as kid, but at least I can start to do things I want now.

I can change, so I will.

Weightloss for Cancer?

So about 2 years ago, I lost 20 pounds and felt so fantastic. Then, I gained it back because of a seditary job where I wasn't on my feet helping customers all day. My job as a receptionist at the gym was a pain in the butt, but at least I was able to work out for free! Then, I get into another front desk gig where I'm sitting down all the time and - BAM! *le sigh*



But, I'm sick of being so freaking fat all the time. I'm tired and I feel awful about myself. There's nothing like 24/7 mental nagging to really zap one's mental health dry.



I started a new work out "system" this week - basically, just get myself into the little mini gym in my apartment and move for at least 30 mins. I've been able to do an hour for two days so far. That's sort of a victory and better than nothing.



On my way to work this morning - the long 8 minute drive (oh the suffering!) - I thought of something while listening to 94.7. They were announcing their bikes for kids drive and I thought - what if I did something like that? What if, for every pound I loose, people pledge to donate $1 to a charity? That would probably give me more motivation and it helps out other people, then all the better!



I'm still thinking it through, but I really like the idea.