I think I've lost 5 pounds

I've been counting calories and exercising the past few days. But I got up this morning and checked the scale and BAM! I'm five pounds lighter.

I've also been feeling so completely disgusting and fat the last week or so. At this point, I feel inhuman. Normally, I can see a few parts of my body which I like, but lately its all been too much. I can barely stand looking in a mirror right now.

I know I'm fat. It's freaking obvious and I've known it for years. But now, things are different. I KNOW it and think about it more than I ever have in my life.

This may all sound like whining, but it's a realization. It's like walking around all day and then realizing you've lost an earring and looking back over the entire day and wondering how many people thought you were an idiot because you only had one earring on. It's like that.

I've been offered professional help and I appreciate the sentiment. I plan to use it when I can, but this situation has triggered a chain reaction. As much as I appreciate the help I have been offered, it made me feel like a pity case. My pride just couldn't take it anymore and my whole semi-ok self-image fell to pieces around my feet. Now, I feel like a walking tub of lard. This is not ok.

The worst part of this situation is: I've done this to myself. Sure, there are probably circumstances beyond my control - but I'm a freaking adult and need to take responsiblity for what I've f**ked up. I am forced to wonder how much I've missed out, how many chances and opportunities I've missed by being fat and reclusive. Probably a lot.

But, in the end, this is not about me being fat. This is about my happiness. I'm not happy right now, not even close. Heck, I'm not even healthy. I want to be able to shop in "normal" stores. I want to be able to hike and bike and run. I want to be able to dance. Maybe I can't be a ballerina like I dreamed of as kid, but at least I can start to do things I want now.

I can change, so I will.