Keys

FYI - I found my keys - in my nail polish bag.

I was so out of it last night, that I slipped my keys into the nail polish bags I keep on the handle of my bathroom door. WTF??

Odd and more odd.

Look at it this way...

Life is Bi-Polar. It keeps trying to take new med's, but there's no stopping those good days and those bad days. Today is probably one of those bad days.

Last night, I saw a preview of "Slum Dog Millionaire". It was a really good movie, although I probably wouldn't buy it. But it's one of those movies that you can see once and carry with you forever. Despite being a really good movie, I was sick half-way through it with sinus problems.

There's nothing like a porcelain bus ride right after a good movie to put me in good spirits.

So, I'm feverish and sick to my stomach, and I've had a pounding headache for hours. What's going on outside? It's snowing!

It had been 77 degrees during the day, but it dropped to the 20's and 30's last night and started sleeting. I get to drive home in it. Yay....

This morning, I wake up late and find out I've lost my keys. They are hiding somewhere in my apartment and refused to come out. Maybe the snow scared them. Personally, I'm blaming the cat. Then again, I did stumble in last night and just throw stuff down so I could rush to the bathroom again....so that might be why.

I was late to work and now I have Mom dragging herself half way across town to bring me my spare car keys. Thank god my apartment manager had a spare key to my place and Big Sir stayed over last night and brought me to work.

I wanna go home and just curl up in a ball and sleep. Burrrr.

I think I've lost 5 pounds

I've been counting calories and exercising the past few days. But I got up this morning and checked the scale and BAM! I'm five pounds lighter.

I've also been feeling so completely disgusting and fat the last week or so. At this point, I feel inhuman. Normally, I can see a few parts of my body which I like, but lately its all been too much. I can barely stand looking in a mirror right now.

I know I'm fat. It's freaking obvious and I've known it for years. But now, things are different. I KNOW it and think about it more than I ever have in my life.

This may all sound like whining, but it's a realization. It's like walking around all day and then realizing you've lost an earring and looking back over the entire day and wondering how many people thought you were an idiot because you only had one earring on. It's like that.

I've been offered professional help and I appreciate the sentiment. I plan to use it when I can, but this situation has triggered a chain reaction. As much as I appreciate the help I have been offered, it made me feel like a pity case. My pride just couldn't take it anymore and my whole semi-ok self-image fell to pieces around my feet. Now, I feel like a walking tub of lard. This is not ok.

The worst part of this situation is: I've done this to myself. Sure, there are probably circumstances beyond my control - but I'm a freaking adult and need to take responsiblity for what I've f**ked up. I am forced to wonder how much I've missed out, how many chances and opportunities I've missed by being fat and reclusive. Probably a lot.

But, in the end, this is not about me being fat. This is about my happiness. I'm not happy right now, not even close. Heck, I'm not even healthy. I want to be able to shop in "normal" stores. I want to be able to hike and bike and run. I want to be able to dance. Maybe I can't be a ballerina like I dreamed of as kid, but at least I can start to do things I want now.

I can change, so I will.

Weightloss for Cancer?

So about 2 years ago, I lost 20 pounds and felt so fantastic. Then, I gained it back because of a seditary job where I wasn't on my feet helping customers all day. My job as a receptionist at the gym was a pain in the butt, but at least I was able to work out for free! Then, I get into another front desk gig where I'm sitting down all the time and - BAM! *le sigh*



But, I'm sick of being so freaking fat all the time. I'm tired and I feel awful about myself. There's nothing like 24/7 mental nagging to really zap one's mental health dry.



I started a new work out "system" this week - basically, just get myself into the little mini gym in my apartment and move for at least 30 mins. I've been able to do an hour for two days so far. That's sort of a victory and better than nothing.



On my way to work this morning - the long 8 minute drive (oh the suffering!) - I thought of something while listening to 94.7. They were announcing their bikes for kids drive and I thought - what if I did something like that? What if, for every pound I loose, people pledge to donate $1 to a charity? That would probably give me more motivation and it helps out other people, then all the better!



I'm still thinking it through, but I really like the idea.

Holiday Gifts

The best and worst thing about learning how to crochet and knit is - "I can make that". Everything I see now, I could make it. Its just a matter of time and effort, but I usually lack both. But, why buy it if I can make it? Argh!

So, I'm in full-scale holiday gift making mode and searching out patterns right and left. Next, I'll start making a s**t load of cookies. Just call me Holiday Girl.

So, this is only sort of evil, but I'm thinking of making this for a holiday gift. I'm not sure if I'm kidding or not. :0 Moreover, I'm not sure who I'd give it to. Should each member of my family be afraid of opening their presents? Probably.
http://itchystitchy.blogspot.com/2008/08/fo-and-pattern-katamari-damacy-prince.html
It has to be the most horrid thing I've ever seen (almost).

I found this blog and it has some cute paper dolls on it. Umm...ideas. And I love the rolling cat...just scroll down ALOT. http://herzensart.blogspot.com/

I'm trying to figure out if Christine would hurt me if I gave this to one of the kids. They would either love it and fight over it, or completely hate it. :) http://mama24boyz.blogspot.com/2008/07/lil-pumpkin-hat-pattern.html

I'm thinking of doing something like this for Greta, with strawberries instead. I'll probably add a white trim or something lacy. CUTE!
http://crochetpatternsonly.blogspot.com/2007/02/crochet-baby-cherry-hat.html
or
http://www.coatsandclark.com/Crafts/Crochet/Projects/BabyChild/LT1588+Crochet+Sweet+Pea+Bonnet.htm

Is it worth apologizing?

So I did something rude and stupid, but I apologized for it. However, I don't think the person I've offended really forgave me. Now, the hate has spread and the other night I went to a meeting and she (along with a friend) just looked at me like I wasn't there. This is the second time it's happened.

Would it be worth asking what is wrong or apologizing? I don't think they are. I've said that I'm sorry and I've tried my best. I'm not a miracle worker and I'm tired of trying to be sorry enough so people will "forgive me" for being me. I'm not even sure that would make sense to anyone else but me.

But on a good note, I found out that I actually passed my final English paper and now I get to test out of the class. I'm kind of debating on if I should go for a B paper, instead of settling for a C. I'm just not sure I have time to write another essay (since it's an all day affair for me) with all the studying for biology I have to do. I'm thinking about it too hard.

Taking a Break

I'm so taking next semester off. My brain is about to roll out of my head and refuse to send a forwarding address. Normally, I do so well in my classes (even distance learning) and my GPA is at 3.7 or something.

But this semester I've been so burned out, I know my classes have suffered. I'm looking at a B in Biology and a C in English Comp. The C in English, I completely expected because I suck at essays. But a B in Biology? WTF? No. Even a high B is unacceptable. That's my inner-perfectionist speaking.

So, next semester I'll be concentrating on finishing the rough draft of my first book (yay!), and studying for my math placement tests. *shiver* Math = evil. I'm sure there's an equation for that somewhere.

I've left a community volunteer position which was draining my soul. I love helping other people, but not when they whine about the work I've done to HELP them. I know giving should be done selflessly, but I'm not that damn selfless yet. I'm probably not gonna be a buddha in this lifetime.

Am I still a little angry? Yeah. I'll get over it soon though. Besides, I have my craft/knitting group and I'm hoping that no inner-group politics will be started because of yarn (that would be the stupidest thing ever). :)

I've finished one present for my nieces, it's soooooo cute! Oh my god. I almost don't want to give it away. But (pout) I'll do it for love.