I broke

On the first day of my return to serious calorie counting, I binged. Although I wasn't feeling that good, I went and exercised and did what I had to do to stay in the habit of working out. Then, around 10 pm I got this really big craving and...well, that's history. Long story short is that I failed and lost to my arch-enemy: chocolate.

Will power has never been my strong point, so I'm not really too surprised, but I hoped for better - from myself.

When I first started calorie counting a few months ago I did this alot. I would binge for a few days, get serious and binge again. It was a roller coaster, but I forced myself to keep trying. I had this feeling that if I didn't get my weight under control now then I'll never be able to do it. Then I'll wind up one of those people I hate with all of my heart and soul. Those people who are so fat they can't take care of themselves. And THAT is not an acceptable option.

I've lost two more pounds and I'm holding steady at 218 (or 216, depending) , but I want to get down to 210 by the end of the month. Then I'll be so close to my goal of 200, and even closer to 180 (my ultimate goal). It's hard but I can't stop or let my own personal weakness get in the way of this goal. It's too important and so vital. If I fail, I don't know if I'll be able to respect myself ever again.

It's doesn't matter how long it takes for me to reach my goal weight (although sooner is better), but that I do it. And keep the weight off. I just have to keep at it and try to avoid getting a complex at the same time. Easier said...

I am trying to stay positive about this, and life in general. It wouldn't help for me to hate myself for last night or the last 24 years of my life. I won't get anywhere by making myself feel bad or whining (although this might count as whining). There is nothing I cannot stand more than someone who cannot see the good side and focuses on the negative - and I want to be positive.

So, I binged. I'll probably binge again. And again. But I'm going to keep at it and someday I'll get myself to where I want to be. I've already won a small victory in loosing the first 20 pounds. (And yeah, I don't care if everyone knows my weight.) That makes me feel great.

I've started excercising on a daily basis and I can jog half a mile (which has never happened before). I'm more aware of what I'm eating and how it will effect my body. I had to give away all of my pants and went down two sizes. So far, despite little set-backs, I'm doing pretty freakin well.

It's great being a girl...

Sarcasm is one of the greatest inventions of all time - well, besides tp and chocolate. The fact that I can title this blog like that and feel this miserable is true sarcasm.

I woke up on the "wrong side of the bed" this morning with my cat poking my face and jumping on my abdomen - which set off my monthly friend. I'm not angry or depressed, which is good - considering the circumstances. Mostly, I just feel "blah".

Lately, no matter how much I sleep, it's just not enough. I'm pretty sure this is because of the weight I've lost and my changing eating habbits, with the additional exercise. It doesn't help matters that I've been staying up late writing and trying to finish this freaking book. I'm so close - I can taste it. Offically, I've already finished it cause everyone has ridden off into the sunset, but now I get to go back and "fill-in" the holes.

While I was writing, I'd get to parts where I knew something had to happen but I just couldn't write it out. So, I would insert something like <<<<>>>> in the text. It helped move things along when I would get writers block.

Now, I have gaps which need to be filled and my style needs to be cleaned up. I was literally trying to write a book in a month and so when I go back and read some of my work it feels really unfinished.

I just can't believed I'm finished. I've never finished anything before, especially when it was just for me. At this point, I'm not sure if I really care if it gets published. Of course, I'd love for my work to be good enough to be published - but that's not the point. Just thinking about finishing this project makes me so freaking happy.

Now, comes the super hard part - editing. I can't let my Virgo-manic self kill everything now. When I was writing I just pushed forward and told myself, "Just let go and write, it's not supposed to be perfect". Editing will make all the difference and I'm counting on a few friends to really help out.

I've also had to consider which audience I'll be aiming for. At first, I thought the book would turn out to be your typical fantasy novel, but now I'm thinking it will be more entertaining for young adults than grown-ups. But, that's to be seen.

Last night I re-read some of the writing I did for a vampire novel I started. I started cracking myself up because I remembered how much I loved the main character - she's as sarcastic as I wish I could be. I'm not sure if that book will ever get off the ground, cause lately I've been thinking of the romance novel I wanted to try my hand at.

There's just so many ideas in my head and not enough time to get them all out. It's frustrating. I think it's the frustration that's making me moody, too. Eh, maybe I just need a freaking nap time. lol

Tinkerbell is gone *sob*

So Tinkerbell went off to be a trucker this weekend and I don't know when he'll be back in town. I think I miss my little brother already. It's strange. Our family has never been really close. We don't have to talk to each other everyday and we normally only call once a week or so - sometimes just to make sure the other is still breathing.

I've always been envious of really close families who can share everything with each other, but I'm not sure that's my family. I love my little brother for the strange, hot tempered, and crazy person he is though and I'm missing him. I just hope he takes good care of himself while doing trucker things.

While I was checking out my profile on everydayhealth.com today, I re-entered my weight, height yadah-yadah into the Calorie Calculator and apparently the number of calories I can have has gone down....my god. To lose a pound a week without making any changes to my lifestyle, I would have to limit my calories to 1350 per day. So far I've been following a 1600 cal/day plan it's been working. I'm gonna keep following that and just up the amount of exercise I'm doing. I just don't think I have the will power or proper nutrional knowledge to make 1350 calories a day work for me and stay healthy.

I wanna lose this weight, but I'm not ready to kill myself over it. bah!

Special Request Update!

This goes out to mamma-sis, who I don't talk to as much as I want to!

My pants are still falling. I've officially lost 20 pounds and I'm keeping it going. Here's to the next 20. But first, I'm going for 10...one day at a time.

I woke up this morning feeling very discouraged, actually. After being blue for a while, I just got up and went on with the calorie counting and exercise. It's not a lot, but it's gotten me this far - so worth it.

Monday Miss Tigger had a visit with the dentist and she wasn't happy with me. They had to sedate her just to get her back into her box so she was walkin like some drunk when we got back home. Reminded me of some friends of mine who crawl into my place at 3 in the morning cause I'm closer than home.... ;p tehe. I need to start taking pictures. Um. :)

Last week I watched "La Dolce Vita" and tonight I got "Highlander" from netflix (I LOVE NETFLIX). I'm not much of a fan of either of these movies...for various reasons. They aren't bad...just not my flavor. I'm expecting "Mrs. Brown" tomorrow with my all time favorite actress - Judi Dench. She's just so awesome! I'm looking forward to it. I also got a new anime coming and I'm hoping it washes the bad taste of Trinity Blood out of my mouth :) (vampire pun intended) .

I got some tunes by "White Tie Affair" and "the Veronicas" and I'm lovin 'em. Lady Gaga is still at the top of my workout playlist, though.

The amount of writing I'm doing is dismal. I'm having a hard time with a short segment of the last part. It's got me all frustrated and although I stepped away for a while, it's not better. I just have to push forward and get this book finished.

Tonight I took my nightly walk and reflected back on the past few years. A little over a year ago I pushed someone out of my life because I couldn't express my needs and my fears. I'm not sure if I've grown enough to where I could say what I need to say - but I kinda wish that I could just tell him a few things and properly explain what was going on in my head at the time. At this point, I just pray that he's alright and breathing. I don't know why I'm thinking of him - maybe it's the new Transformers movie that's being made - he loved that stuff and it reminds me of the goofy/silly times when things weren't so serious. I'm kinda looking forward to the 2nd movie myself...it will be really bittersweet in a way.

The Corset Ball at Elysium was a blast! I'm looking forward and dreading the photos from that night...for various reasons. I'm just thankful that I was too broke to drink...it was really fun anyway. Although I'm excited about the weight I've lost, I'm kinda sad because my corset didn't fit very well and I'm gonna have to figure out how to alter it if I wanna keep it. That's gonna be a weekend project.

Class is going so-so. I can't believe the instructor - she is very disorganized and doesn't use blackboard! I'm judging - but I paid for this course and it's really peeving me off. Also, she's delusional. No knowledge of grammar needed, my butt! I get to relearn everything from sixth grade all over again without a proper text book for it...*grumbles*

Oh, I'm loving my sock-monkey house slippers! I gotta take pictures... :)

Not the most delightful method...and my dream e-reader

Well, it's official: I'm now 20 pounds lighter. But that's only because I got sick as a dog yesterday and couldn't keep any food down. Now, I barely have a desire for food at all.

I'm not sure what happened or if I got sick off something I ate or caught some stomach flu thing. I woke up in the middle of the night and the porcelain bus ride began. I wasn't able to eat or drink anything for nearly 9 hours. It sucked!

Now, some of the new clothes I bought just two days ago won't fit. Damn! If this wasn't a good thing, I'd be really peeved off.

Different subject: The Amazon Kindle.

I'm not sure if I can lay down $400 bucks for a digital book e-reader - but I sure wish I could. Right now, books are taking over the apartment and I'd LOVE to just have all my books in some slim, digital casing.

The only draw back seems to be some weird design problems and the fact that the Kindle can only hold 200 books titles.....that's just not enough! It would be alright if I could transfer the files onto a backup drive and just bring them back over to the kindle if I wanted to read them again. This is a purchase for when I get a better job...it's just so nice to think about not having to trip over books anymore. Le sob!

My Pants are Falling!

I've gone down 2 pant sizes - from a 22 to an 18. My normal "skinny day" pants are loose and my "fat day" pants look like a circus tent on me. I feel so good knowing that I could house homeless clowns - in my pants. Somehow that sounds wrong.

I've taken three trash bags of clothes to Goodwill over the last week. Part of that is trying to fit all my stuff into my new apartment, but for the most part - my clothes don't fit anymore!

After buying three new and different sized pairs of jeans, I've already given two of them away. This kinda sucks but....awesome at the same time. I'm now fitting into a size 18....I can't remember the last time that happened. I'm also down 15 pounds!!!

I can't really say exercise had really had much to do with this - most of it is calorie counting. At the size I was, I was having a hard time exercising, actually. My foot, which I injured two years ago, kept feeling "off" and I was really afraid of doing more damage. But when I went to the gym last night and walked, I felt so much lighter and my foot was just fine. Now I get to go back and start muscle building since I've reached this far.

I sort of wish I could still afford to go to my personal trainer, Felicia. She knew how to kick my butt and gave me arm muscles. Le sigh. Maybe if I can get a better job soon...

If I can reach 220 by the end of this month, it will be fab-u-los. And if I can get to 200 or 180 by my birthday...even better. But I'm just reaching one week at a time right now.

MY PANTS ARE FALLING!

Stuck in Twilight

So I lied. I didn't mean to do it, but I did. I'm going ahead and taking a class this semester. But it's a Grammar and Writing Style course - so I doubt it will be THAT stressfull. It will even help with my personal and business writing, and that's not a bad thing.



I'm engrossed in the Twilight saga. Thanks to Big Sir. I'll probably have book 4 finished by the end of the week (depending upon how obsessive I get).



Last night, when I was falling asleep - I was re-reading passages in my head. It was like my thoughts took the format of the book and I was THINKING in terms of the author's writing style. That's never happened to me before. It was really freaky and highly annoying.



I've managed to finish reading 6 books in 2 weeks - something I've never been able to do before. My guess is they were just good books and I couldn't put them down. Sharon Shinn has a really easy writing style so I was able to finish her "TwBut all the reading has hurt my exercise schedule. The only good news is that I've managed to only gain 1 pound over the holidays - which is a small victory.



With moving and unpacking, and my place looking like a storage unit, it's been hard sticking to a food and work out plan. Last night I went to the gym for the first time in nearly two weeks. Not too upset about that, but it's time to get back to the plan.